I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
