I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
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