I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
