yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
