Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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