I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
