Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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