I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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