Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize
