I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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