drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
