You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
