you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
