He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
