i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
