Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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