Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
