I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
