He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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