It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
