I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
