from now on my penis is your penis
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
