the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
