there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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