What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
