i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
