I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
