where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
