addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
