the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
