It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
