you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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