I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Shame - the story of my life.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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