On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize