I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
