cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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