home. puking in laundry basket.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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