I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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