why didn't you poke me back
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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