I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
