i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
