Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
