batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
