I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
