he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize