You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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