So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
