just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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