Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
