i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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