i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
