i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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