he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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