found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
