The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
