Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
