Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
