i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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